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  • Writer's pictureGary Fish /yes men do cry


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November 20, 2000

Well, the positive ending didn’t last long. Over the last two days, I’ve started to hit a wall. All I want to do is be by myself, but when I am, I’m completely lost. I just hate being around anyone and can’t wait to get home. Maybe getting back home is what I need to do to start this new journey without you. I have been out with Marg a couple of times and with Mom for dinner, but I hated it. There is just no fun being here.

Today, I went up to the Bay of Islands for a couple of days. I thought this might help. Wrong. It’s as though I am driving nowhere, even though the countryside is beautiful. I’m staying at the Waitangi Hotel. Beautiful location, quiet and peaceful, but it’s not right being here without you. I’m dreading going into the dining room alone. Just sitting here in the bar is awkward. Tears just keep coming.

I’m going to meet Jenny G (my first girlfriend) for coffee tomorrow. Maybe a friendly face from the past will help me realize that I will be able to move forward eventually as I did get over her thirty-five years ago. Life does go on. I don’t go into cafes and the like to have lunch or coffee but will have to make myself do this as it does affect one’s health. I am losing weight, but I will conquer this fear.

The theory behind me coming to New Zealand, as I’ve said before, was great, but looking back, I feel it was wrong. Why? I’m not sure other than you have to be alone and face this head on. It was great seeing all the family and friends, but in reality, I am in a dream world or maybe an abyss. You think things will fall into place, but it does not happen that easily. Obviously, life is not that simple. How I wish I could just call Bob and Marilyn and go for coffee where I can be myself (whatever that is). They don’t try to make me feel okay or analyze what is going on. They are just themselves, listening and understanding.

One day, I will get them to come down here to experience the beauty of this place. It’s a shame it’s not more healing for me, but it’s too soon as I feel you’re still here, Booby. (Try drinking a beer at the same time you’re trying not to cry. It’s bloody hard.) But you know what? The beer is winning, so I guess I am making progress.

Well, I’ve just about got through another day (still got six hours to go), so I will let you know how I fare with dinner. Maybe I’ll have a swim in the thermal pool later, but I don’t know why I would do that. Everything I do seem to be a big deal, and I guess it is.

Well, dinner went great! I could not face going into the hotel dining room alone, so I went and got hamburger and chips, sat in the car overlooking the harbor, and ate them. Next time, I’ll do it.

November 21, 2000

Nice visit with Jenny. She hasn’t changed much, still a very independent person. I will most probably keep in touch with her via e-mail. Well, now, the reality of what’s happened will have to start sinking in as I’m coming home (scared shitless). Although I’ve said it many times, this is it. You won’t be there. The mind games will start in earnest. It is only memories from here on. I’m so scared of the future without you. The only thing that seems certain is that I don’t think I can go back to doing what I was doing work wise. I’ll give myself till January to try and make some kind of decision as I don’t want to be an ostrich with my head in the sand. I know I’m being an idiot, but I don’t know what to do. Maybe a visit to a counselor as soon as I get back will help. Well, enough self-pity for a while. I’ll try watching the movie.

That didn’t last long, I can’t concentrate on anything.

November 25, 2000

Home now and what I felt might happen has happened. It is as though I am starting all over again. Booby, you aren’t here and never will be again. Everything here is you. Girly took your makeup out of the bathroom and guess what? It is bare. I can’t imagine what it is going to be like with your clothes.

November 30, 2000

Had to get out of here. Went down to English Bay then talked to Bob and Marilyn who invited me for dinner. It is so strange, but I feel comfortable with them. Maybe it is because we didn’t see them all the time, like Terry and Fran. They so understand. I let them read this journal as I have to try and justify to someone how I really feel and how difficult it is. I warned them about how intimate the first page is, but they thought it was great.

It just seems to be getting harder as each day passes. I strongly feel that I have to do this my way (that is being alone) as no one can really help me except me. I’m in a stage again where I want to be alone. I seem to be right about everyone getting on with their life. The weekends are the worst. I have to try and plan things for the weekends. First weekend, no phone calls (except the kids). It is funny how I look at the call display when I come in.

Went down to English Bay on Friday and Saturday nights. Still not eating correctly, but I guess that will change. At least one positive thing seemed to jog the brain into action, and that was when I decided on Saturday, after seeing Girly and I was walking down Davie Street that I will get rid of your clothes on Tuesday. I’ve decided to give them to a Spousal Abuse House in White Rock. I think you would like this.

December 2, 2000


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